So, let’s talk Bipolar I with Psychotic Features. Doesn’t it sound so dramatic? Thats because it is. It’s like your brain wakes up one day and says, “Let’s do EVERYTHING – fast, loud, and kind of terrifying.”

For all the newbies, Bipolar I means I get full-blown manic episodes – not just a little boost of energy or a cleaning spree at 3am. I am talking about grand plans, not a single ounce of sleep, thinking you are God and completely immortal, and enough ideas to start 10 business (all at once, not a single good idea). It feels like a game of Subway Surfers in my head if I’m being honest, I am getting the highest score ever and then I run right into the back of the train. Now, throw in a little psychosis – BAM – now you’re really cooking. Suddenly I’m not just hyped, I am also convinced that aliens are trying to send me secret messages through street signs and my microwave, and that birds are just government made cameras that are watching my every move.

The wild thing? In that moment, it all makes perfect sense. You don’t think you’re in an episode – you’re just chilling REALLY hard. Then days or weeks later, once the meds are back in your system and you’ve slept more than an hour, you’re going to look around and wonder why your credit card is maxed out and there’s stickers plastered all over my room (maybe that’s just a me thing, who knows anymore).

Psychosis is like turning your imagination volume all the way up and then putting the remote in a blender. Sometimes it’s really scary, other times it’s poetic, or even oddly productive (like the time I almost created my own cult).

It’s not always chaos though. I have learned to live with it. I got some new medication, I’m learning coping skills, I have a solid therapist, and I am self-aware enough to tell myself, “This is a manic episode, I am not God, if I do this dangerous activity, I will die” sometimes. I can laugh at it, because if I don’t, I’m going to cry – and honestly, I have cried enough in the store aisles and restrooms.

Living with this disorder is exhausting, comedic, intense, and sometimes beautiful in the most twisted way. I AM NOT BROKEN. My brain is just using a different version of Windows Mental Health and it’s kind of glitch. But I can make it work.

So, if you’re reading this and you’ve been there – the highs, lows, the what-the-fuck-was-that moments – I see you. We might be a little unstable, but damn we are entertaining.

Sending stable-ish vibes,

Oliver ❤